First Time
written by: Kalam Babu
Would it be odd if I wished my boyfriend were here?
As I lay on the bed with another man looming over me?
I have not worn the best clothes, yet that
does not deter him. The light around is not bright,
but I wouldn’t say it’s a dimly lit room.
He comes in closer, his hands on my face,
so close I can smell his cologne. My heart
flutters like a captive bird. He is handsome.
I can’t deny that, no matter how strange
this is for me. It was never about his looks.
It’s just a pleasant surprise. He’s got a strong jaw,
with only a shade of afternoon stubble. His touch
is tentative and careful. As he brings his rod closer,
I roll my eyes to the ceiling. I don’t want to watch,
I can’t help but look. I look at him and look down.
When he goes in, I jolt. Calm down, he tells me.
But I can’t. I am shaking. Stay loose, he suggests.
But my every muscle tightens. Is he doing it right?
A drop of blood hits the sheets. The first time
is always painful, they say. Always uncomfortable.
I’m not ready, but it needs to be done. All my friends
said it’s best to get it out of the way. So here I am,
shaking and nervous, but open and willing.
Maybe it won’t be as bad as they say?
Maybe I am going to be okay.
The deeper he goes, the sicker I feel.
The harder he works, the weaker I grow.
My legs are shaking now. Discomfort. Pain,
mild though. These things are not
new to me, but this is a different kind.
Just hold still, he asks. Politely. As though
he is not inside of me right now. I can see
the way the wrinkles on the side of his head
deepened and smoothed out with every move.
A drop of sweat traces down the lines in his face,
then disappears beneath the collar of his shirt.
My body heaves with the effort it takes
to keep still. To keep this from hurting
more than it needs to. To prevent this
from taking a nasty turn.
Almost there, says the man above me, almost done.
His rod, his grip, the vibrations and gentle thrusting –
all make me anxious. There is some more blood.
I look away again. He pours liquid into me. Brings up
a cloth to squirt it out and clean me.
See, he says, it’s not so bad. Maybe it wasn’t
so bad. But it wasn’t also very good. Not for me,
anyway. But I suppose he is right. I suppose
everyone has to go to the dentist
for the first time at one time in their lives.
- First Time - April 29, 2024
- There’s No One New Around You - October 24, 2018
- The Law Of Symmetry - June 5, 2018
