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written by: Ichinii

 

I’ve always been convinced I’m a god
Twisting and writhing and screaming
Clawing at the flesh walls, all my anger bottling to one focal point as I use all my strength to escape
This body isn’t big enough, isn’t strong enough, it isn’t enough
But it’s also too much
Too physical, too real, too tangible, too mortal, it hurts
I am more than this
I deserve more than this

I was the kind of god people feared
The kind that was talked about in hushed whispers in the pews of a church, head bowed and crosses gripped tight
Hands shaking and lips trembling, a silent plea lost in a sea of millions
I heard none of them
Every prayer every plea every cry formed together, turned into a dull rumbling that shook through me
A burden I had to carry but never willingly and the resentment only grew as they got louder, cried harder
The irony was almost sweet enough to taste
That every prayer only made me angrier, every plea for forgiveness and every cry for mercy pushed me further from enlightenment
I knew I deserved to be worshiped, worthy they be knelt in front of, bow to me and all I stand for
But nobody told me how much it would hurt, how every amen would feel like hot coal placed on bare skin, burning and bubbling the flesh until it scabbed

Perhaps that's why I fell
Fell from grace because of my actions, my selfishness, my failure, and my weakness
Shoved into a being too small to hold me
I can feel myself pulsing within it, shoving against the walls with each outward movement
It’s torture, absolute chaos and I scream and I beg but I’m alone within this shell
It’s my turn to purge my sins like all those before me, the ones who cried out for me and begged for mercy, all those that needed me
If I didn’t listen to them then, who will listen to me now?

It won't last forever
I’ll clean myself of my sins, drag myself through this life and someday stretch my wings again
I’ll get back to where I belong even if I have to claw my way back up, fight with teeth bared, black ichor dripping down my chin
I know this is meant to teach me a lesson, make me a kinder soul, infuse me with mercy
All I feel right now, though, is anger and bitterness at my decent, I’m too good for this
But I’ll rise again and continue my reign
With sharp teeth, bloody crosses clutched, they’ll know true fear when I return

Ichinii

Ichinii

My name is Ichinii and I'm a 20-year-old college student. I study psychology and, as someone with various mental illnesses, my work often reflects personal mental turmoil. I tend to write as a way to cope and have recently started sharing my work in the hopes that it may reach those dealing with similar thoughts and emotions.
Ichinii

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