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Saying Goodbye

Part XVI

Cry

written by: Doug Stanfield (Hemmingplay)

@hemmingplay

 

Do you remember our babies'
crying through the night
with colic, red-faced, kicking,
little fists clenched, punching the air?
We took turns with
futile soothings,
new at this baby thing,
desperate to comfort, to
silence that infernal noise
so we could go to work
in a few hours and not
fall asleep in the elevator.

They didn't seem to want
comfort, did they?
They'd exhaust themselves and
sleep for a half-hour.
We were fooled again and again,
and started to relax.
They'd wake just as our eyes closed,
hungry for the bottle,
which simply meant their little bellies
would hurt again,
And the wheel turned, and turned...

I felt some of that again with you.
Futility, desperation,
thinking something might help,
letting interludes of peace
fool me into having hope.
A dangerous, false hope.

Then there was the guilt
at the reproach in
your eyes. You
knew I would go on,
alone
and your journey would
stop
here, soon.
You turned away from my face,
angry. "It
wasn't supposed
to be this way," you said.
You were ready to be alone,
not to leave me to fend for myself.
So wrong. You believed you'd take care of me.

And, you couldn't imagine
a world without you in it.
Who of us can?
We know how special and
irreplaceable we are.
Why doesn't the Universe
see that? Why does
life come with deadlines?
Each of us thinks
we should be the exception.
The ego’s illusion of being special
and, therefore, superior.

But God doesn't make
that bargain.
The river moves on;
cannot be pushed.
The Great Wheel turns
and grinds exceedingly small.
We do what we can,
but the
only thing that cures
suffering is time.
Pain is a catalyst of
something else...
if we're lucky, we
learn compassion.

I watch the ripples from
rocks I've dropped into
the slow-moving waters.
They move away,
into the future.
The rocks sink into
the mud,
their role in this drama done.
The water moves ever downward.

The ripples assume
their nature, spread
and float away. There is
a sudden stillness.
But they are also detached, indifferent,
ever more distant.

Quiet, at last.

 

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:

As the months went by, I would often remember things like our children, and life as young parents, and then would need to work my way back into the present, learning what I could and then putting the memories back in their place in the past.

Doug Stanfield (Hemmingplay)

Doug Stanfield (Hemmingplay)

OCTOBER 2016 / JULY 2019 AUTHOR OF THE MONTH at Spillwords.com
“Hemmingplay,” is the pen name of Doug Stanfield, who grew up on a family farm in western Ohio, went with his parents for two years in Karachi, Pakistan, in high school and had lived, until recently, in Bellefonte, PA with his late wife, Wilda and their two sons, Ben and John. Doug was a writer, editor and director of internet communications at Penn State for 26 years. He has had a few disreputable occupations, including newspaper reporter and editor, and public relations flak, but is trying to make amends for his sins by writing poetry and fiction.
When his sons were safely off making their own mistakes, he turned on the computer one day, stared at the screen for what seemed a long time, and began to learn the craft anew at age 67.
Doug has published three books so far: "Mermaid Sisters: First Dive", a children's book on iTunes/iBook; "I Came From A Place of Fireflies" published as a paperback and Kindle on Amazon, and a new book of poetry, "Snowflakes & Ashes: Meditations on the Temporary”, available as both an ebook and as a paperback. (Gatekeeper Press) on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iBooks, Ingram and Baker & Taylor, and a few others.)
Doug Stanfield (Hemmingplay)

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This publication is part 16 of 20 in the series Saying Goodbye
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